Thursday, 27 January 2011

The Short Agenda

I am currently being harried, vilified and persecuted in certain sections of the media about the policy of my bed and breakfast establishment, Tall Towers, of not allowing short people to stay.

It's true there is a sign in the lobby that says You Must Be At Least This Tall To Stay Here and that no one under five foot ten is welcome. It's true that Tall Towers is registered as a business for tax and Health & Safety. But it is also my home. And in my own home, it is my right to follow my own deeply held beliefs. As my website states: I have few rules but please note that out of a deep regard for height, I prefer to let double accommodation to tall people only. I will not allow short people to share a bed under my roof in which they might procreate more short people.

Bleeding heart liberal Guardian-reading pinko commie nazis may try to make us believe that short people are normal but why should my beliefs be trampled on by their tiny feet? This is not the England my ancestors fought and died for. The obsession with equality has now reached ludicrous, as well as oppressive, proportions. I am not shortophobic, I am an honest, law-abiding person. I am just standing up for what I believe. Which is that short people are just plain wrong.

Some may question the wisdom of sinking my life savings into this establishment and then restricting who can stay here, especially in these hard times, but I am not in this for the money. I do it because I love meeting people and offering them hospitality. Tall people.

There have been incidences of short people wearing high heels, pretending to be tall in order to book a double room. This is persecution and publicity-seeking, pure and simple.

A tall MP has come to my defence. She said: "If Tessera ran a grocery shop which refused to serve short people then that would be discrimination but to refuse to facilitate their activity by providing a double bed is not. It is the once lawful exercise of conscience against particular deeds".

It gets worse. The attempt to foist the short agenda onto society has spread to education. In short geography, children will be forced to study Japan and regions of the world where pygmies live when they should be studying Holland, Scandinavia and the Rift Valley (home of the Maasai). In maths, they will be forced to study only short division instead of long division and in science they will learn about the evolution of the pygmy shrew, chihuahua and the bee hummingbird. Alas, this short curriculum is no laughing matter. Absurd as it sounds, this is but the latest attempt to brainwash children with propaganda under the camouflage of education. It is an abuse of childhood.

And the other side of that particular coin, as we are now discovering, is that values which were once the moral basis for British society are now deemed to be beyond the pale. Tall values.

When qualified, accredited therapists offer out of the goodness of their hearts to cure people of being short, they are hounded and threatened with being struck off, and their witnesses are intimidated by the short mafia. In America, these cures have been made illegal but British bodies (bless them) are holding out.

As if this wasn't enough, now comes, apparently, short drugs policy. When the Government announced the appointment of GP Dr Lofty to the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs, he was targeted in an astonishing attack for his 'stringent views'. For he is also a member of the Lanky Community, which is dedicated to re-establishing tall values in society. Dr Lofty has often stayed at my B&B with his lovely tall wife and three fine tall children.

Short people have their place in society, which is reaching for things on low shelves. They are welcome to stay in their own B&Bs, to watch short films and to eat shortbread. They are not welcome in my B&B. My health is failing but I will defend my beliefs to my last, bankrupt breath.

All donations or complaints should be addressed to my lawyers, the Longshanks Legal Centre.


  1. One of my ex's relatives had a rule that only male visitors above six feet tall could have a chair with arms at the dining table

  2. I must say a most heartfelt thanks to you for having the courage to speak so honestly about this matter and know this; I shall be most generous in my contribution to your impending legal costs.

    I was especially excited at your mention of Pygmies as I am currently involved in a most secret but critical project which involves the selective interbreeding of the Maasai with their neighbours the Pygmies, a process I have christened 'Heugenics'in honour of the beautifully alpine Hugh Laurie.

    Here's to always looking down ones nose,


  3. Tall or short, it's just a matter of perspective: Dwarves may appear tall when they are close-up but Goblins have a constancy in their ugliness, no matter what the distance. Is there a mathematical formula that would explain this apparent paradox? If no-one can see a Goblin, is it still ugly? (it doesn't have to be in a forest necessarily but preferably nowhere near the falling tree because one is not entirely convinced it would be heard to fall, thus placing the Goblin in grave danger (Duty of Care and Defective Premises Act))