A Tank Engine is For Life, Not Just For Christmas

Just as Christmas arrives in the shops earlier every year, stories about how secularists and atheists are killing Christmas arrive in the papers earlier. This year, Sainsbury's had mince pies with a sell-by date of early October. Also in October comes the story that all references to Christmas have been taken out of a new episode of Thomas the Tank Engine.

In an episode called Keeping up with James, the trains compete to carry presents to children. There's a decorated tree and a choir. But instead of using the word Christmas, there are “winter holidays” and a “holiday tree.”

This early in the year the goose can still get into its jeans but the Christian soldiers have already locked and loaded. The Mail and the Telegraph are, not surprisingly, making a big deal of this.

Hilary Fortnum, daughter of Thomas author Reverend Awdry, told them she feared political correctness was eroding Christmas and that - predictably - the programme had "taken Christ out of Christmas". Just for good measure, she added that “Local councils won’t advertise Christmas carols and nativity plays in case they are sued for not being inclusive”. It's not clear what her evidence is for this claim but we can soon expect stories about schools not putting on nativity plays any more and how the lack of children putting tea towels on their heads is damaging the British tea towel industry as well as the soul of the nation.

Ann rent-a-quote Widdecombe predictably commented that “It is another example of the politically correct brigade trying to airbrush Christmas out of our lives”. Most of us would be pretty happy if Christmas was airbrushed out of our lives until at least late November.

Hit Entertainment who make the series said references to Christmas were removed because the episode is on a DVD designed to be sold all year round. They added “It was not a seasonal release specifically aimed at a Christmas audience, but we do put out seasonal releases that have Christmas in the title. Last year we had Christmas Express and next year we are planning another Christmas title.’ So it's nothing to do with being politically correct, it's to do with making money.

UK Christians complaining about discrimination and persecution should perhaps look at the growing persecution of Christians in Pakistan. In one far from isolated incident a twelve-year-old girl from a Christian family was kidnapped, raped and beaten for eight months in an attempt to make her convert to Islam. Other incidents include attacks on churches and the homes of Christians, discrimination in housing, education and employment and false allegations of blasphemy, which can potentially result in a death sentence. Or there is Youcef Nadarkhani, the Iranian pastor arrested and sentenced to death because of his faith.

But no, British Christians with their unelected bishops in the House of Lords, exemptions from equality laws and one third of state-funded schools will continue to bang on about being discriminated against and sidelined, particularly when they want the right to be homophobic. They will whine about Winterval and the birth of Little Baby Jesus not being what it used to be. And all this even before Halloween.

Who Killed Christmas?

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat and, inevitably, the sound of voices struggling to reach the high notes in Hark the Herald Angels Sing is joined by the voices accusing atheists, secularists and anyone else they can drag in of killing Christmas.

It's not like anyone is standing outside churches stopping people going in but yet again, we are cast as Alan Rickman's Sheriff of Nottingham telling his minion to 'call off Christmas'.

Archbishop Rowan Williams isn't resting very merry, being seriously dismayed about school nativity plays and public carol singing being banned. Some schools aren't doing nativity plays this year, which is a sign as clear as the Star of Bethlehem that we're all going to hell in a handcart, apparently. He said that 'most people of other religions and cultures both love the story and respect the message'. No empirical evidence to substantiate this claim was supplied.

Meanwhile, Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles is ding donging merrily about a 12 year old story. It is traditional to tell stories about the dead coming back at Christmas, after all. In 1998, Birmingham Council allegedly called their celebrations Winterval and banned all Christian elements from them. Except they didn't, they still used angels in their publicity materals and promoted carol concerts, among other things. Pickles commented that "Shoppers want to see Christmas lights, Christmas trees, carol services and nativity scenes, and councils should not hesitate in supporting them". Has he been down Oxford Street lately?

And then there's the Mail getting all deep and crisp and even about supermarkets not selling enough Christmas cards with religious imagery on. They're joined by the Evangelical Alliance whose Don Horrocks said: "There has been a rise in cards that say 'Season's greetings' or 'Happy holidays' which is evidence of the speeding up of the trend of stripping the religion out of Christian festivals'. Shame on you all for buying cards with robins on instead of a nativity scene surrounded by seasonally inappropriate snow for that particular part of the world.

Joining these three wise men is Archbishop Carey and his I'm Not Ashamed leaflet encouraging people to be proud of their religion. Mighty dread has seized his troubled mind about nativity plays, cards and 'winter lights' instead of Christmas lights too. Ironically, he also says in the leaflet: 'There are aspects of Christianity of which I am ashamed. I am ashamed of the way in which the external form of religion has got in the way of real faith'. Would that be external forms like trees, cards and small children with tea towels on their heads pretending to be shepherds washing their socks?

A few festive statistics:

According to a ComRes survey, 46% of people think that 'The birth of Jesus is irrelevant to my Christmas', 54% think it's over-rated (bah, humbug) and 61% think it's mainly for children.

When asked if they would be attending a Christmas church service this year, 36% said they would. However, only 5% of people go to church at Christmas and only 2.1% take communion in C of E churches - and that's the C of E's own data. The spirit may be willing, but the flesh is weak, especially when it's full of mulled wine.

What about all these Christmas traditions that we're supposedly banning or spurning? The Christmas tree was made popular by Prince Albert in 1834 and the first commercial Christmas cards came out in 1843 (and were never solely religious) - not exactly ancient traditions. These are hardly the 'religion' part of Christmas anyway.

Trees are a pagan solstice symbol and carols also have pagan roots, some of which still show through, like The Holly and the Ivy and Deck the Halls. And let's not even go into the fact that there is almost nothing about the whole Christmas story that wasn't pinched from earlier mythologies.

Yes, let's indulge for a moment, it is Christmas after all. As the Rt Rev John Davies, Bishop of the Church in Wales said: "If , in a strict sense, the stories are deemed not to be historically true in each and every detail, it does not mean that they do not convey truth, the most profound truth". Santa legends also convey profound truths about being nice not naughty. Some of the Scandinavian ones have dire warnings about what happens to children who don't behave that make hell look like a soft option. If you're going to promote some made-up ideas that have 'profound truths' then you've got to expect a bit of competition. Another Christmas morality tale about good and evil, sacrifice and redemption is Die Hard, which has the advantage that the saviour gets his shirt off. And if you like a heavy dose of saccharine and emotional manipulation with your profound truths, there's always Dickens.

Nativity plays in schools are also comparatively recent. In the past, religious Christmas drama was either a Mystery play or a Mummers play - a mixture of Christian and very pagan elements, both performed by adults. Culture evolves, traditions come and go. Trying to cling to a few fairly modern semi-pagan traditions is not going to bring people back into the churches or revive their interest in religion.

If Christianity was all peace on earth and goodwill to men (and women) then it might be more popular.

It's not all of us non-believers who are killing the Spirit of Christmas, it's the mass indifference of the public who would rather be at home with family and friends eating mince pies and watching Doctor Who come down from on high to save the world. There'll be carol singers around later, that's Christmassy enough. Who knows, they might even be in tune.

Wassail.

Foetus Jesus

With only 199 shopping days left before Christmas, the churches have already planned their festive ad campaign, a scan of baby Jesus in the womb, complete with halo.

It was created by advertising executives from ChurchAds.net, a consortium of churches including the Church of England, Methodist, Baptist and United Reform churches, but not the Catholics. Some of Britain's top award winning ad execs and designers work for them for free.

Frances Goodwin of ChurchAds said: 'This is the kind of thing proud parents-to-be show their friends and family. Our poster reflects this new way of announcing the news of a new arrival and places the birth of Christ in an ultra-contemporary setting. It offers a fresh perspective on the birth of Christ - creating anticipation and alluding to both his humanity and divinity'.

And to his serious spookiness. Without the message at the bottom, this could easily be a poster for a horror movie. Come to think of it, it still could be.

The poster will be widely displayed, including at bus stops, which might not win it much approval from the parents of small children if they have to explain what it is and how a baby gets into the womb. They might also have to explain to more scientifically-minded children how a halo could show up in a scan where ultrasound bounces off solid objects. Smart kids may not be satisfied with the answer 'it's a miracle' and may wonder how Holy Mary feels about having a large hula hoop in her womb.

A more serious consequence of the campaign is that anti-abortion groups are seeing it as a great opportunity to spread their message. The director of the Society for the Protection of the Unborn Child said: "This advertisement sends a powerful message to everyone in Britain where 570 babies are killed every day in the womb, 365 days a year, under the Abortion Act. Whenever we kill an unborn child in an abortion, we are killing Jesus".

Killing Jesus - that's not at all emotive. And not that effective for non-believers and followers of other religions. SPUC can't even get their facts straight. The latest official figures from the Deparment of Health are 518 abortions a day. This may not make a huge difference but is symptomatic of their rather casual relationship with facts.

Terry Sanderson of the National Secular Society commented: "I hope that the Church of England isn't trying to use its Christmas poster campaign to make a political point. If that's the intention, we may have questions to ask at the Charity Commission".

Even if the churches are not deliberately using the posters to comment on abortion, they really should be aware of how groups like SPUC will hijack their campaign. After the first ever ad for an abortion advisory service on TV recently, pro-lifers will be looking for any way to hit back.

The posters won't go up until December 6th but will be available to buy online. A previous Christmas poster showed the Holy Family at a bus stop instead of in a stable and the 1999 Easter campaign had a really lame version of the Che Guevara poster.

Happy Heraklesmas

Jesus is not the only birthday boy. There is another son of a virgin and a god born at this time.

Having a divine father and human mother was pretty routine in ancient mythology - Dionysus, Zoroaster, Perseus, Jason, Minos and Asclepius did, among others.

And Herakles, son of Zeus and the virgin Alcmene.

He was not just a strong man who performed Twelve Labours and became the star of a slightly daft TV series, he was worshipped around the Attic world as a saviour who died and rose again.

He was known to his followers as the Prince of Peace, the Sun of Righteousness, the Light of the World, the Shepherd. He was greeted each morning in his solar incarnation with the words 'He is risen'. (Sound familiar? See the Gospel of Mark 16:6)

Herakles (aka Hercules in Roman mythology) was born at the Winter Solstice, sacrificed at the Spring Equinox, rose again and ascended into heaven to be with his divine father. The winter solstice was celebrated on December 25th in the Julian calendar, which was in use from 45BC.

When he was born, the jealous goddess Hera tried to kill him. When Jesus was born, the jealous king Herod tried to kill him. There is equal historical evidence for both events. None. Herod died in 4BC.

If any of this sounds familiar, it's because Tarsus was one of the centres of Herakles worship. It was also the home of St Paul, who appears to have been into recycling in a big way.

And here is a picture of the Son of God with his shirt off.

There are no surviving images of Jesus flexing his pecs for comparison. Herakles was quite a fan of sex too, with both men and women, which makes him a much hotter man-god. As far as I know, there have been no wars declared in the name of Herakles although both he and Jesus had dads who could be pretty grumpy and were a bit too fond of smiting.

I am now going to eat mince pies and have unholy thoughts about the Son of God. You know which one. Happy Heraklesmas.